the feeling fo "somethign  is wrong with 
 the  world"   - in a very profound  way, 
   in a doubt-your-every-qualia way, it   
 never dissipated. just grew  used to it, 
                numb to it                
                                          
   maybe even filtered subconsciously to  
      relieve the growing tension and     
             disillusionment              
                                          
 that's  perhaps  the  draw  of  stories, 
  mysteries and "magiscal realism", most  
 horror   stories   even   -   there   is 
    confirmation. something really is   
 there.  what it is is not that important