eh                    
                                          
                                         
                                          
 i    was   thinking    to   stop   doing 
 hallucinogens in  the  winter  because i 
 do not know how useful  they  have  been 
 anyway?  i get  so  tense  when  i  take 
 them,  the last few  times at least, and 
 there are plenty of side effects  that i 
 really do  not like, and  there will  be 
   associations with these mini-anxiety   
 attacks  with   random  things  that   i 
 happen to  see...  for  example,  for  a 
 long  time  i could  not  see a  certain 
 kind  of  leaf  without getting  anxious 
 ... and  i  should avoid to ruin all the 
            seasons this way.             
                                          
                                         
                                          
     hmm, recently my visual phenomena    
 increased  or  at least the burn-ins  in 
 the  eyes,   and   sometimes  stuff   is 
 breathing  now,  they   did  not  do  it 
 before. but maybe i just drank  too much 
 coffee. maybe i'm  scared and making all 
             these things up.             
                                          
                                         
                                          
 it  comes  to me  sometimes  that  shit, 
 what a load  of concepts this  "reality" 
 consists  of,  and  how  vague  they are 
                                          
                                         
                                          
 if  i  do not  sleep  for  about  twenty 
 hours, it will no longer  be dark when i 
 close   my   eyes,  not  actually  cev's 
 though,  rather  just fields and motion. 
 now and then i  hear  this sound (a real 
     sound (i think)), resembling some    
  "knerp" from twentyfive c nbome or so.  
 and it is  always unpleasant,  i  become 
 so stressful, but i think it  has to  do 
         with the novelty. i hope.