the feeling fo "somethign is  wrong with 
 the world"  -  in a  very  profound way, 
   in a doubt-your-every-qualia way, it   
 never  dissipated. just grew used to it, 
                numb to it                
                                          
  maybe even filtered subconsciously to   
      relieve the growing tension and     
             disillusionment              
                                          
 that's  perhaps  the  draw  of  stories, 
  mysteries and "magiscal realism", most  
 horror   stories   even   -   there   is 
   confirmation. something really is    
 there. what it is is not that  important