eh                    
                                          
                                         
                                          
 i   was   thinking    to   stop    doing 
 hallucinogens  in  the winter because  i 
 do not know how  useful they  have  been 
 anyway? i  get  so  tense  when  i  take 
 them,  the last  few times at least, and 
 there are plenty of  side effects that i 
 really do not like,  and there  will  be 
   associations with these mini-anxiety   
 attacks  with  random   things   that  i 
 happen to  see...  for  example,  for  a 
 long time  i  could  not see  a  certain 
 kind of  leaf  without  getting  anxious 
 ...  and  i should avoid to ruin all the 
             seasons this way.            
                                          
                                         
                                          
     hmm, recently my visual phenomena    
 increased  or at  least the burn-ins  in 
 the  eyes,   and  sometimes   stuff   is 
 breathing  now,  they  did  not  do   it 
 before. but maybe i just  drank too much 
 coffee. maybe i'm scared and making  all 
             these things up.             
                                          
                                         
                                          
 it  comes to  me  sometimes  that  shit, 
 what  a  load of concepts this "reality" 
 consists of,  and  how  vague  they  are 
                                          
                                         
                                          
 if  i  do  not sleep  for  about  twenty 
 hours, it  will no longer be dark when i 
 close   my  eyes,   not  actually  cev's 
 though, rather just fields  and  motion. 
 now and then  i hear this  sound (a real 
     sound (i think)), resembling some    
  "knerp" from twentyfive c nbome or so.  
 and  it is  always unpleasant, i  become 
 so stressful, but  i think  it has to do 
        with the novelty. i hope.