eh                    
                                          
                                         
                                          
 i   was   thinking    to   stop    doing 
 hallucinogens  in the  winter  because i 
 do not know how  useful  they have  been 
 anyway?  i get  so  tense  when  i  take 
 them, the  last few  times at least, and 
 there are plenty of side effects that  i 
 really do  not  like, and there  will be 
   associations with these mini-anxiety   
 attacks  with   random  things   that  i 
 happen  to  see...  for  example, for  a 
 long time  i  could  not  see  a certain 
 kind of  leaf  without  getting  anxious 
 ... and i should  avoid to ruin all  the 
            seasons this way.             
                                          
                                         
                                          
    hmm, recently my visual phenomena     
 increased or at  least  the  burn-ins in 
 the   eyes,   and  sometimes  stuff   is 
 breathing  now,  they  did   not  do  it 
 before.  but maybe i just drank too much 
 coffee. maybe i'm scared and making  all 
             these things up.             
                                          
                                         
                                          
 it  comes  to  me  sometimes  that shit, 
 what a load of  concepts  this "reality" 
 consists  of, and  how  vague  they  are 
                                          
                                         
                                          
 if  i  do  not  sleep for  about  twenty 
 hours, it  will no longer be dark when i 
 close  my  eyes,   not  actually   cev's 
 though, rather  just fields  and motion. 
 now and  then i hear this sound  (a real 
     sound (i think)), resembling some    
  "knerp" from twentyfive c nbome or so.  
 and  it is always  unpleasant, i  become 
 so stressful,  but i think it has  to do 
         with the novelty. i hope.